Regular Family Mealtime: A Simple Way To Protect Our Children From Harm’s Way
"The table is a meeting place, a gathering ground, the source of sustenance and nourishment, festivity, safety, and satisfaction. A person cooking is a person giving: Even the simplest food is a gift.”
Laurie Colwin
Studies indicate that eating regularly with family members is beneficial to our children’s physical health, as home cooked meals contain less sugar and salt and entail more vegetables, fruit, and protein. Benefits are not limited to physical health, though. Regular family mealtime is strongly associated with lower rates of anxiety and depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, tobacco use, teenage pregnancy, and higher rates of resilience and self-esteem, better academic scores, and overall higher life satisfaction.
Downfall of Family Meals
According to Dr Anne Fishel of Family Dinner Project, only 30% of the families eat together regularly, whilst 60 to 70% of the families eat together but not frequently. The number of families sharing a meal together regularly has gone down over the past 40 years and low-income families struggle with it more than mid and high-income families due to having to work extra shifts, longer and/or unpredictable hours and schedules. However, the reasons are not limited to socio-economic status of the families. Kids being picky when it comes to food makes family mealtime difficult as parents may have to prepare different dishes for each member of the family. Arguments over food with kids during a nice family meal can also turn this experience into a nightmare. Furthermore, busy work schedules of the parents as well as kids’ extra-curricular activities and after school clubs; being distracted by technology; teenagers seem not to want eating with their parents (although, research suggests that teenagers rank regular family dinner quite high on their list of things they like to do) and too much work and prep is required for a family dinner are among the main reasons why families do not eat together as much as they used to in previous years.
Even though, cooking a family dinner night after night may seem a burden on parents, the benefits of it certainly outmatch the burden and the extra work it causes on parents. Considering the physical health benefits of having a home-cooked meal with family are quite straightforward, you may ask about the reasons behind its mental health benefits.
Mental health benefits of having regular meals with family:
Food is comforting; when families sit around a table and share a home cooked meal together, they feel relaxed, their defences are low and they become more willing to talk about their daily lives. They share daily events, struggles and fun/interesting things that happened to them. This can be considered almost like a check-in time with your children. Regular family meals give parents a chance to ask questions about our children/teenagers’ days in a relaxed way, and keeps us in the loop about their lives. Parents can also detect certain danger signs, like long term mood changes in our children through these routine check-ins. These family times around food can act like short breaks from our busy daily schedules and offer an opportunity to keep a watchful eye on what is going on in our children’s life in a non-threatening way to them.
Daily family meals help each family member to build strong connections to each other and give children the sense of belonging to a larger group of people that care about them. This sense of belonging is a protective factor particularly against mental health issues like depression, suicidal ideation and self-harm as well as risky behaviours in teenagers. Teenage years are defined by risk taking behaviour, but taking arbitrary and seriously dangerous risks is different to taking calculated risks. Research suggests that when teenagers feel that they are loved and cared for by their family members and know that they are a valued member of their family, they seem to take fewer arbitrary and seriously dangerous risks. We may think that our children already know that we love and value them unconditionally, but taking the time and making a conscious effort in showing it is better.
Having regular family meals seem to perform as a protective factor against unhealthy eating habits and disordered eating behaviours. Studies indicate that kids and teenagers (male and female) who eat dinner with their family on most days are less likely to purge, binge eat and diet. Combined with parents having healthy eating habits, regular family meals decrease the likelihood of developing disordered eating behaviours and eating disorders.
Finally, family meals are a great way to instil values and behaviours that we want our kids to embrace as they will be embedded in an organic and natural way in our daily discussions.
Does it have to be every day? Does it have to be dinners?
Studies investigated these questions, and the findings seem to show that there is no golden number when it comes to family meals. Few studies state that at least three to four times would be needed, though there is no consensus on this. I am in ‘the more the better’ camp, rather than coming up with a number, as this should be a relaxing activity and if parents start feeling anxious about not doing it enough, may kill the joy and hence, its benefits. You can always start with once a week and see how it goes…
Furthermore, it does not have to be a long, elaborate dinner either. Gathering around some, preferably, a simple, home-cooked meal for half an hour is more than enough, especially when electronics are banned from the vicinity of the table. Finally, there is no right time to start family dinners: the earlier the better. The moment your child can eat the same food you eat, you may start your family dinners. With younger children, the whole meal should not last longer than twenty minutes to half an hour. If you establish this family ritual when children are younger, it becomes easier to continue when they are older.
Just like there isn’t an ideal number, there isn’t an ideal way of doing it either. Each family can create their own traditions and even though many of the studies investigate the impacts of family dinners, findings indicate that it does not necessarily have to be dinner. If dinner time is too hectic for you or your children’s schedule, you can try breakfasts. If that does not work either, regular Sunday or Saturday family brunches could be a great way. If nothing else works, you can gather your family before bed time for some hot chocolate/herbal tea sessions. In the end, each family should find its own way and as long as it is enjoyable, it will be beneficial.
On a final note, as this should be a delightful time, we need to remind ourselves that this is not the time to correct, teach or preach our children. This is a time for connection and enjoying each other’s company over food which is inherently comforting. It is paramount that we stay present, listen to our children and pay attention to what they say. If you feel like you need to point out an issue or make suggestions about something that your child is talking about during the meal, it would be better to just ask questions and/or listen quietly. You can always go up to them when the meal is over and simply ask if they need your help or if you can speak to them about what is on your mind.
If you wish to read some further sources on this topic:
Effects of Family Mealtime on Psychosocial Outcomes in Youth
Zeynep Okur-Guner, PhD